At the age of thirty, I moved to live in another country. The circumstances and reasons are not important at all. The main
role here is played by the concept of the word “home”, which suddenly takes on a completely different meaning. A meaning
that you would never have thought about if you hadn't suddenly lost it.
You see, the word “homeless” doesn't always mean that you don't have a physical place to live: you can be homeless
inside the most important home in the world - inside yourself.
It is when the house where you grew up, where you put down strong roots, where you grew tall stems, has remained
somewhere very far behind, and the place where you are now will never become a truly native home, because those strong
roots are sprouting in a completely different land.
And then you suddenly realize that you are in that very place, without a home, where everyone around you is a stranger.
And you will never become your own for them, and you can hardly recognize them as soul mates. And all you have to do is
to accept and try to build your own world, where you will never find a home.
All you have is your past, which is encased in fragments of memories: of home, childhood, parents, favorite cat, family trips,
funny and full of drama moments. But it's all yours, the real thing. Something no one can take away.
All you have is that girl that lives inside of you. Sometimes she's too persistent, and sometimes you forget about her, and it
even feels like she's gone. But it's not. That girl - inside you - is you.
And sometimes this girl is full of an unbearable longing that just floods from within. And sometimes that longing translates
into something very tangible - something you can touch when you suddenly catch a familiar silhouette in the crowd. And
you even crane your neck to get a better look at it - and at that very moment you are absolutely sure of what you see,
because your brain has not yet had time to signal that it is just an illusion, or it is just delaying this moment so that you have
time to take the first steps in an attempt to catch up with these “silhouettes”, or to twitch your shoulder to raise your hand,
or to open your mouth to shout your native name. It's actually a very brief moment, but it's enough to fumble with that
longing, to put it into some shapes.
And these forms live in you every second, just sometimes imperceptible.
All those faces, names, looks and smiles are inside you.
They wake up with you and fall asleep on your pillow.
All these shapes are you.
